


you’ve been waiting so long, you forgot what not holding your breath felt like

by starsandgutters



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Free Verse, Freeform, M/M, Pining, Poetry, Resurrection, Temporary Character Death, anyway NO WORRIES HE COMES BACK, does the MCD warning even apply if the character dies in the show?, the once and future king
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 05:51:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10299047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandgutters/pseuds/starsandgutters
Summary: when he comes back, there is no famine or plague.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [on tumblr](http://starsandgutters.co.vu/post/157212102508) (14 Feb 2017) and [on wordpress](https://starsandgutters.wordpress.com/2017/02/15/youve-been-waiting-so-long-you-forgot-what-not-holding-your-breath-felt-like/) (15 Feb 2017).

* * *

**i.  
** **  
**when he comes back, there is no famine or plague.  
he comes back  
out of nowhere, and you feel  
colour bleed back into the world,  
music return to the wind,  
life to your veins.

you’ve been waiting for this for so long, it takes you by surprise  
like rain after a drought,  
like summer after frost,  
like the hatching of a dragon  
long after they left. 

when he comes back, there is no war raging at the borders or  
tearing the land apart, its sons and daughters  
mowed down and crushed  
like field flowers in the summer harvest.

it’s upsetting, because you’ve been told  
to wait for the time of need,  
but the world was often in need,  
and you were always in need,  
and in short –  
you should never trust a prophecy.

you’ve been waiting for this for so long, you don’t know what to do.

 

**ii.  
**

once upon a time, there was a just king. no—  
once upon a time the king was just terrible,  
and you vowed to change all that.  
once upon a time the king had a son,  
his flashing smile as blinding as  
his arrogance,  
his sunlit hair as golden as  
his heart. 

you were promised a world of acceptance and freedom,  
so you shook hands with destiny  
and didn’t once wonder  
about the price.  
but you should never trust a prophecy,  
you should never toy with destiny,  
and you should never fall in love  
with a prince. 

(you didn’t always love him, but  
it’s hard to remember how not loving him felt.)

you called him king and that made him one,  
or he was always one and you just spoke the truth  
into existence.  
you weren’t always sure he was the promised one:  
it took time and knowing,  
it took effort and friendship,  
it took the sun out of your eyes.  
it took losing him.

you’ve been waiting for him for so long, you forgot  
what loving him felt like—  
or so you told yourself. 

you were always a terrible liar.

 

**iii.  
**

_was it worth it?_  
people have asked you this, a long time ago.  
you looked at them and told them  
that sometimes it’s not a matter of  
choice, that destiny  
is a fickle beast,  
it twists and turns and molts  
leaving behind a future with each skin.  
you tell them you have  
more regrets than any man should bear,  
but you wouldn’t – couldn’t – change a thing;  
it would take the impossible, it would take  
being someone you’re not,  
and not even magic can do that.  
you tell them the path was not always clear,  
but you’re proud  
of the kingdom you helped him build.  
you tell them all these things  
and keep the real answer to yourself. 

 _was it worth it?  
_ _yes, yes, yes._

 

**iv.  
**

you’re angry at him for not coming back sooner,  
and honestly,  
he was always a sleepyhead  
but this is just ridiculous. 

you’re angry about all the lies you told him, and  
about the fact he never guessed the truth.  
you’re angry about his ingratitude, his harsh words,  
you’re angry about all the times you never kissed him,  
you’re angry about a lot of things, but the truth is— 

you’ve been waiting for this for so long, you’re actually terrified.

 

**v.  
**

in the end, there was never any other option.

you should never try to change the world,  
and you should never trust a prophecy,  
and you should never fall in love  
with your best friend,  
but you went and did all three— 

so where does that leave you?

 

**vi.  
**

because you are a child of the earth,  
her power runs through your fingertips;  
because you are a child of the earth,  
she speaks to you,  
telling tales of sleeping kings, and of kings  
who sleep no more.

you’ve been waiting for this for so long, you think your heart is bursting:

your chest controlled chaos,  
frenzied hummingbirds,  
dragonfire. 

the last of your kind have gone,  
but they say you can choose your family—  
and you’ve always, always, always  
chosen him.

 

**vii.  
**

when he comes back, the world  
doesn’t need him, but that’s alright,  
because you do.  
when he comes back, magic has trickled  
out of the world, mostly,  
except for you.  
when he comes back, it’s to a world  
that is finally learning not to fear love,  
and maybe, just maybe, you can hope—

(you’ve been waiting for this for so long, you’ll take whatever you can get.)

when he comes back, his hair is still  
golden and his eyes flutter blue,  
and you think—  
_i am here for you_  
_never leave me  
__i would wait for you all over again._  

but words are slippery and your mouth  
is a traitor,  
too busy longing for things  
it never had, so you just say: 

_Arthur._

he smiles with his eyes,  
calls you by your name,  
speaks you back into existence.

you’ve been waiting for this for so long, you never stopped to imagine  
how good it would feel.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Claire, for reading this over and encouraging my emotional nonsense. ♥️
> 
> Update (22/3/17): This poem has now been [translated in Russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/5342203)! Thank you for reaching out, Jackie, it was incredibly flattering. :)


End file.
